Memory album's most precious acquisitions: The Sketch Of a Pawn On a Checkered Carpet
April 6th, 2020 continuation from homepage
It only lies its merciful touch upon you in your most vulnerable moment of humility. When you put your pride and excuses aside and say your quiet, wordless 'sorry' to the one person you’ve harmed the most, to the one that you should have loved and cared for all this time, instead of chasing your human versions of paper kites in the wild wind.
It only comes when you repent of your failure to trust to who was supposed to be your most faithful advisor, your most forgiving saint to pray to for mercy.
It is when you acknowledge that you failed to uphold all the values and boundaries you once swore upon, that you let others trigger the strings you attached to yourself out of fear or heartbreak, because being a character in someone else’s puppet show was easier than taking up the fight.
It comes when you forgive yourself for trying to force your love where there was no space for it, when you stop feeling ashamed for believing things that only made sense in your own head, or did not make sense at all.
You can only feel it’s gentle, reassuring presence, wrapping you up safely like a baby in a blanket, when you let go of what you could never control, and when you decide that your wounds make a beautiful structure, one that may not be soft to touch, but tells a story like book written in braille alphabet, or shows a journey like a map.
You can only truly let it in when you stand your ground, when you admit that in all those moments past, when you let others win, you were right, but you no longer need to prove it. You meant well. You did all you could.
It comes back without vengeance or grudge if you let someone steal it away for a while, if you lock it in a safe for keeping and let it suffocate, or if you carelessly lose it in the chase after your own tail.
It does not comply with any kind of justice other than its own existence.
And so I was there, lying down, music still playing in the background, the cold of the night creeping low above the floor from the open window, and the laughter slowly transformed into a smile and the smile slowly transformed into a sense of calm, as my breath returned to its regular speed.
It’s been so long.
Stay for a while.